the bullet back

i wish i could turn back time
just a little tiny bit
but life doesn’t work like that
and i have to accept
and be aware of the reality
wishing the past comes back
wishing the spoken words back
wishing the bullet back

my life seems built on regret
awake deep in the night
replaying past, present and future
i must learn to accept
and understand that in reality
the past never comes back
nor the spoken words back
nor the bullet back

life is a price of moments added
a penny here a penny there
buying and selling good and evil
needing to accept
reality’s price is always too much
the past spent cannot come back
and not the spoken words back
and not the bullet back

time and life of humanity surround
those i brush and those untouched
aware and unaware in turn
can't they accept
the exception that is me
but the past never comes back
the spoken words never back
the bullet never back

a god could turn time around
and twist it to a will
but a human cannot work like that
and we have to accept
and be aware of all life spun out
the past won’t come back
the spoken word back
the bullet back

6/22/15

jeg

a temporary heart

a temporary heart is beating in my chest

i can feel it flex and relax
as it pushes life throughout my body
if it is quiet i expect it to leave
then it beats and i remember

a temporary heart is beating in my chest
i can feel it strengthen and weaken
as it pushes thought throughout my body
when it pauses I hold my breath
then it starts and i remember

a temporary heart is beating in my chest
i can feel it stutter and start
as it pushes memory throughout my body
as it stops i tense and await
then it blossoms and i remember

a temporary heart is beating in my chest
i can feel it clench and unclench
as it pushes love throughout my body
it squeezes and makes me gasp
then it opens and i remember

a temporary heart is beating in my chest
i can feel it twist and turn
as it pushes dream throughout my body
each time it twists i squirm
then it straightens and i remember

a temporary heart is beating in my chest
i can feel it cough and groan
as it pushes regret throughout my body
i sicken as the poison enters
then it withdraws and i remember

a temporary heart is beating in my chest
i can feel it whine and mewl
as it pushes hate throughout my body
it clings and brings me shame
then it hesitates and i remember

a temporary heart is beating in my chest
i can feel it flutter and stop
as it pushes time throughout my body
each time i pretend it is living
then it lets go and i remember

jeg 5/18/15

the hate savage

the hate savage lies within

its blind eyes hating all it cannot see

clouded white, unblinking and cold

waiting for the light to dim

in darkness the sighted and unsighted

exist equally.

the hate savage lies within

its deaf ears hating all it cannot hear

cauliflower cartilage, twisted and numb

waiting for the sound to dim

in silence the heard and unheard

exist equally.

the hate savage lies within

its mute tongue hating all it cannot say

tar blackened, bitten and bloodied

waiting for the words to dim

in gasps the spoken and unspoken

exist equally.

the hate savage lies within

its scentless nose hating all it cannot smell

flattened, congested and running

waiting for the smells to dim

in miasma the scented and unscented

exist equally.

the hate savage lies within

its numb fingers hating all it cannot touch

calloused, gnarled and broken

waiting for the touch to dim

insensate the feeling and unfeeling

exist equally.

hesitation

this morning I had a cold

a bad cough a slight fever

still I dragged myself out of bed

and started the day

the habitual chores that need doing

the rituals that need repeating.

and I wondered at my father

all those years ago

how he awoke every morning 

to the stones strewn at the bottom

and unhesitatingly

he gathered them up.

with shoulders and arms staining

sweat pouring from every pore

dragging on each breath

into tobacco poisoned lungs

huffing the shallow gasps

humming tunelessly.

the breath gurgled and growled

the heartbeat stuttered and started

tendons popped and coiled

the muscle bunched and squeezed

the calloused hands

with missing fingers.

missteps all but forgotten

but for the discolored slick scars

the thick cracked chipped nails

clinging to the edges

slip a little bit

and clinch again.

each push a gain upward

each fraction measured 

and again remeasured

each cut precise and fit

each nail hammered flush

and set deep.

a moment pauses

and I catch his eyes on me

what does he see there

a helping hand

or a hinderance

a waste of time and space.

night comes

the mirror beckons

his faces stares out at me

silent approving disapproving

I am afraid to ask the question

I know what the answer will be.

jeg 1/17/15

An Animal Abandoned

huddled against the wind

cutting through the hope

the last pieces of love and kindness

hanging in tatters

a memory of warmth and light

fading with life.

huddled against the rain

seeping through the coat

the last pieces of food and energy

growling inside

a memory of sated satisfaction

fading with life.

huddled against the ice

weighing on the skin

the last pieces of civil humanity

shattering about

a memory of safe society

fading with life.

huddled against the cold

numbing deep the heart

the last pieces of the gentle touch

lingering in dreams

a memory of kindness caress

fading with life.

huddled against the night

darkening the soul

the last pieces of light crumble

blindness around

a memory of a brightened face

fading with life.

huddled against the fear

quivering in the moment

the last pieces of time unfold

fluttering futilely

a memory of all that was

fading with life.

jeg. 12/30/14